


the wheels on the bus

by dwarf_planet



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Asexual Aaron Hotchner, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Chaos, F/F, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gay, Group chat, Idiots in Love, Lesbian Emily Prentiss, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pansexual Penelope Garcia, Sexual Humor, Texting, There will be pining, Trans Spencer Reid, Underage Drinking, and probably insecurity, but nothing actually happens, chatfic, it’s loosely based off my relationship with my best friend, just. take those. accept them. good day, mention of slurs, no underage just jokes, specifically the t-slur, spencer and emily have a golden friendship, spencer is bisexual with a male lean because men and i don’t wanna make him homoflexible again, tags are so fucking hard man, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-14 09:28:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28918335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dwarf_planet/pseuds/dwarf_planet
Summary: 10:23AM, UntitledPenelope Garcia has created a group chat.Penelope Garcia has added David Rossi, Aaron Hotchner, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Derek Morgan and Spencer Reid.Penelope Garcia has changed the name of the group chat to “forensics class sounded better than astrology”.Penelope Garcia has changed their name to “Penpen”.Penpen: welcome, my children.(aka another fucking group chat au)
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & David Rossi, Aaron Hotchner & Emily Prentiss, Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Emily Prentiss & Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia & Aaron Hotchner, Penelope Garcia & David Rossi, Penelope Garcia & Derek Morgan, Penelope Garcia & Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia & Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Penelope Garcia & Spencer Reid, you already know the drill there is no way i am typing all of these out
Comments: 16
Kudos: 135





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> me, posting this: another one
> 
> thanks for clicking  
> please enjoy

**10:23AM, Untitled**

_ Penelope Garcia has created a group chat. _

_ Penelope Garcia has added David Rossi, Aaron Hotchner, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Derek Morgan and Spencer Reid. _

_ Penelope Garcia has changed the name of the group chat to “forensics class sounded better than astrology”. _

_ Penelope Garcia has changed their name to “Penpen”. _

Penpen: welcome, my children.

_ Emily Prentiss has changed their name to “baddest bitch”. _

baddest bitch: okay but why are there alumni here

David Rossi: More importantly… How did you get my number?

Penpen: I have my sources ;)

_ David Rossi has left the group chat _ .

Penpen: oh

_ Aaron Hotchner has changed their name to “Hotch”. _

Penpen: I guess you’re leaving too? :(

Hotch: No, I’ll stay, but don’t expect me to be active.

Penpen: I’ll take it

Penpen: Can you get Rossi back?

Hotch: I can try.

Spencer Reid: stop texting me i’m in class

_ Spencer Reid has left the group chat _ .

_ Jennifer Jareau has changed their name to “JJ”. _

JJ: Another one bites the dust

baddest bitch: AND ANOTHER ONE GONE AND ANOTHER ONE GONE

_ Penpen has added Spencer Reid to the group chat _ .

_ Penpen has changed Spencer Reid’s name to “shining baby boy”. _

Penpen: no one leaves unless I say they do

shining baby boy: ah

_ Hotch has added David Rossi to the group chat _ .

Penpen: speak of the devil 

baddest bitch: and he doth appear

David Rossi: I don’t like that this conversation seems to insinuate I am the devil.

David Rossi: But I’ll roll with it.

_ David Rossi has changed their name to “The Devil Himself”. _

baddest bitch: HOLY FUCKING ICON

The Devil Himself: I think you mean UNholy fucking icon.

baddest bitch: god all of my daddy issues are cured

Derek Morgan: what the everloving fuck

**10:52AM, Chocolate Thunder and Baby Girl**

Chocolate Thunder: what the hell is your group chat

Baby Girl: paradise.

**12:32PM, forensics class sounded better than astrology**

baddest bitch: who has lunch right now

Penpen: I don’t :( I’m in history currently

baddest bitch: oh ):

JJ: I do

baddest bitch: ayy mamacita wanna sit at my table

JJ: Excuse me

baddest bitch: My dearest friend, Jennifer, how wouldest thou liketh to share thee lunch period with thine humble servant, yours truly

shining baby boy: wouldest………….. okay then

baddest bitch: be quiet shining baby boy the adults are talking

shining baby boy: i’m ??? literally ??? the same age ??? as jj ???

JJ: No, you’re five months younger

JJ: And yes, I’d love to sit with you, Emily

baddest bitch: hell fucking yeah

baddest bitch: derek morgan wishes he was as cool as me

Penpen: speaking of where is my chocolate thunder

_ Derek Morgan changed their name to Lady’s man _ .

Lady’s man: i’ve been lurking

shining baby boy: penelope can i have mod real quick

shining baby boy: it’s very important

baddest bitch: oh my god me too???

shining baby boy: i’m sexy 😍 and i’ll pay you back (;;;;;;

Lady’s man: oh

Penpen: hell yeah

_ Penpen has given shining baby boy admin permissions _ .

shining baby boy: IM SO GLAD THAT WORKED

shining baby boy: gonna go use my powers for good

_ shining baby boy changed Lady’s man’s name to “Incel”. _

Incel: wtf

baddest bitch: TRUUUUUUE

shining baby boy: (:

The Devil Himself: Who’s the incel?

Incel: I fucking hate it here

**1:07PM, softie lmao and Pretty Boy**

Pretty Boy: how goes it derek

**2:38PM, Untitled**

_ Penelope Garcia has created a group chat. _

_ Penelope Garcia has added Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Derek Morgan and Spencer Reid. _

_ Penelope Garcia has changed their name to “Gargar”. _

Gargar: Em and I were talking and we decided if there was a collective ship between the five of us it would be called the chaos bunch

Gargar: mostly because that’s easier than trying to combine all of our names but also just because chaos 

_ Gargar has changed the name of the group chat to “The Chaos Bunch”. _

Derek Morgan: a ship?

Emily Prentiss: ...he’s not serious

Derek Morgan: like a boat?

Gargar: slash, x, otp, ot3, fanfic

Derek Morgan: oh okay

Jennifer Jareau: I have one complaint

Gargar: what can I do you for?

Jennifer Jareau: We wouldn’t all fit in the janitor’s closet

Emily Prentiss: sure we would

Emily Prentiss: just….. squeeze

Jennifer Jareau: Okay two complaints

Jennifer Jareau: Odd number, someone would always be left out

Spencer Reid: bukkake

Emily Prentiss: what is that

Spencer Reid: don’t worry about it

Emily Prentiss: let me google it

Spencer Reid: definitely don’t do that

Gargar: yeah don’t

Emily Prentiss: why did i do it.

Emily Prentiss: why the fuck did i do it

**4:02PM, Untitled**

_ Emily Prentiss has created a group chat. _

_ Emily Prentiss has added Spencer Reid, Penelope Garcia and Aaron Hotchner. _

_ Emily Prentiss has changed the name of the group to “imagine being cishet lmao”. _

_ Emily Prentiss has changed their name to “girlsAIHFNIKSJF”. _

girlsAIHFNIKSJF: welcome, non-straights

Penelope Garcia: :0 this is exciting!! my baby is all grown up and making group chats

_ Penelope Garcia has changed their name to “dishes hot”. _

Aaron Hotcher: Thank you, Emily, this seems very cool.

girlsAIHFNIKSJF: please dont word it like that ever again i know you’re not up to date in meme culture but that’s so cursed

Aaron Hotchner: Okay?

_ Aaron Hotchner has changed their name to “Token asexual friend”. _

Spencer Reid: ...what

Spencer Reid: i’ve never come out to anyone at our school ????

dishes hot: it’s the gaydar babe don’t worry

girlsAIHFNIKSJF: also you reek of twink

_ Spencer Reid has changed their name to “twink stink”. _

dishes hot: classy

**2:03AM, forensics class sounded better than astrology**

baddest bitch: why thef uck is a leap year valled a LEAP year

baddest bitch: i’m not jmuping and i KNWO for a fact none of you litttle shits are eitehr

shining baby boy: would you really like to know

baddest bitch: god no

baddest bitch: leraning is for sober emmly

Hotch: Please drink some water and eat something, if possible.

Hotch: Then go to bed and stop texting me, please.

Hotch: Some of us are trying to sleep.

baddest bitch: just muute the fuckin group caht old man

Hotch: …

Hotch: Fine, no more homework help for you.

baddest bitch: NO I DIDDNT MEAN IS

baddest bitch: LOK IM GRABBIN WTER AND AGUA RGHT NOW

baddest bitch: i mean slatines

baddest bitch: and i;ll go to ebd

baddest bitch: jsut plseas dont stpo helposing wih me homwework mom

shining baby boy: i’m pretty sure she spelled literally every word in that sentence wrong other than mom

Hotch: Thank you, Emily, good night.

_ shining baby boy changed Hotch’s name to “mom”. _

Mom: Spencer, I don’t suppose you have a good reason for being up this late?

shining baby boy: that’s my cue to skadoo

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Token asexual friend: Emily, I beg you, please do not attempt to eat your chromebook.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANOTHA ONE  
> and i’m posting it in a class where i’m not supposed to have my phone out omg i’m such a rebel
> 
> thanks for all the comments last time guys !! i’ll try to get the next chapter out a bit quicker

**4:56AM, whore and slut**

whore: emily i just had the worst nightmare of my fucking life

_ 7:42AM _

whore: i went back to sleep and had another one and it was somehow worse never mind i guess

_ 8:47AM _

slut: are you okay spencer ):

whore: my mom’s having another one of her episodes

slut: do you wanna come over?

whore: y’know my parents were the subject of nightmare one

slut: that’s it, i’m taking off school for the next week and i’m ommfw

whore: and then i guess you were the subject of nightmare two

slut: WOAH

slut: what did i do

slut: i will kill subconscious me

whore: it was this weird umbrella academy type beat ? with the commission and shit

slut: interesting

whore: anyways you told me you’d only become my friend for your job (at the commission) and you never cared and then you started gloating to everyone about how much you hurt me

whore: dream me was fucking sobbing it wasn’t cute

slut: i will kill me

whore: and then my dad was there for some reason and he was like “what’s the fucking matter with you” which made it WORSE

whore: it was a bad time

slut: DUDE

slut: IM SO SORRY

slut: i would never

slut: i love you spencer i couldn’t hurt you

whore: it hurt ngl

slut: anyways i will fight your irl and subconscious dad

slut: as well as subconscious me

whore: yes go off

whore: and i mean obviously it wasn’t real but it felt real in the dream and holy shit a horrible experience

slut: spencer imma say this straight up

slut: you are one of my absolute favorite people on this planet and you mean the world to me

whore: ditto

slut: ……..i choose to be vulnerable about my feelings and you give me fucking “ditto”?????

whore: fine 

whore: thank you ily

slut: ily too bb <3

whore: platonic soulmates <33

**9:52AM, forensics class sounded better than astrology**

Penpen: psa: my school sucks dick. and not the fun kinky dicks

baddest bitch: trueeee

Mom: I will admit, I dread the thought of ever having to go back.

shining baby boy: oh hotch that reminds me

shining baby boy: will you drive me to school for basketball practice

Mom: Can’t your parents?

shining baby boy: nvm i’ll go hitchhiking

Incel: i’m sorry but BASKETBALL????

shining baby boy: oh yeah i’m the coach

Incel: what the fuck

baddest bitch: i’ll take you babe

shining baby boy: <333 my hero

**10:04AM, softie lmao and Pretty Boy**

Pretty Boy: so wait did you seriously not know i coach basketball

**12:28PM, imagine being cishet lmao**

girlsAIHFNIKSJF: i just took out my chromebook instead of my lunchbox mm wires

dishes hot: damn yummy wires

Token asexual friend: Emily, I beg you, please do not attempt to eat your chromebook.

girlsAIHFNIKSJF: but the meme ):

girlsAIHFNIKSJF: at the same time……. damn you don’t see daddy hotch begging everyday

girlsAIHFNIKSJF: are you begging on your knees though

twink stink: please have some dece- oh wait who am i kidding this is EMILY

Token asexual friend: No, I am not on my knees.

girlsAIHFNIKSJF: eh i’ll take what i can get

girlsAIHFNIKSJF: okay i relent, i won’t eat the wires

Token asexual friend: That’s all I ask.

girlsAIHFNIKSJF: i wonder how the keyboard tastes

Token asexual friend: Why do I even try?

**12:37PM, The Chaos Bunch**

Spencer Reid: i looked up and some girl was just laughing at me tf

Gargar: i

Gargar: slap her

Gargar: fucking bitch slap her

Emily Prentiss: spencer if you don’t go over there rn and slap that bitch i’ll come over there and do it for you

Spencer Reid: i’d rather just vibe

Spencer Reid: besides maybe she was just laughing at something and happened to look at me at the wrong time

Emily Prentiss: or she was laughing at you and i’m about to commit a war crime

Derek Morgan: I will drop kick a bitch for you Spencer

Spencer Reid: guys i think you’re overreacting a bit

Jennifer Jareau: You just don’t deserve to be laughed at or made fun of

Jennifer Jareau: Maybe it was just convenient timing, but my point still stands

Spencer Reid: well thank you

Spencer Reid: but again i really think it’s fine

**12:45PM, forensics class sounded better than astrology**

shining baby boy: update: she was definitely laughing at me

shining baby boy: i heard her say the t-slur

shining baby boy: for personal reasons i will now be passing away

The Devil Himself: Excuse me?

shining baby boy: oh no this was the wrong chat

shining baby boy: ignore that

Penpen: give me her ip address i’ll tear her apart

The Devil Himself: Forget her IP address, give me her name and I can ruin her life.

shining baby boy: no no this is why i didn’t want you to know rossi

Incel: her name is Cat Adams

shining baby boy: DEREK WHAT THE HELL

shining baby boy: this is very upsetting

The Devil Himself: Thank you, this information is very helpful.

Mom: Spencer, you know you can talk to us.

shining baby boy: yeah but what if i’d rather Not

shining baby boy: listen it’s not that i don’t trust you two it’s just that you are legally adults and i have an iffy relationship with them

shining baby boy: i’d rather not tell an adult and blame that on myself than tell an adult and then ultimately be ignored

JJ: Oh, Spence

shining baby boy: i’m fine gang really

shining baby boy: anyways lunch is ending better hippity hoppity hop off and skadaddle on to class haha

**12:53PM, PG and EP**

EP: my mans is not okay

PG: I know :( what do we dooooo?

EP: i say crackhead sleepover with the gang

EP: that’ll probably help lighten the mood right

PG: yes yes okay I’ll get it set up you invite everyone?

EP: on it

**12:56PM, forensics class sounded better than astrology**

baddest bitch: sleepover tonight at pen’s place and you’re not allowed to say no

baddest bitch: be there or be square

JJ: Sure! Text me the address

Mom: I can’t, I already have plans.

baddest bitch: square-looking ass

Incel: yeah I’ll make it

Incel: what time

The Devil Himself: I’ll come, but I would like to make something clear.

The Devil Himself: If Hotch isn’t coming, there will be no supervision.

baddest bitch: but you’ll be there

The Devil Himself: Exactly.

baddest bitch: holy shit you just get better and better

Penpen: you already know i’m coming!!

baddest bitch: alright so we’re waiting for confirmation from spencer

baddest bitch: actually you know what i’ll do it for him

baddest bitch: according to coolfacts.org, sleepovers can actually improve your mental health by up to 27%. i’ve had a rough day, so i’m sure something like that might help cheer me up. i’ll be sure to come, thanks

baddest bitch: there’s my spencer impersonation, he’s coming

shining baby boy: i do not sound like that

JJ: Yeah, you do

Incel: you kinda do

The Devil Himself: Whatever you say, kid.

shining baby boy: fuck you

shining baby boy: but anyways i’ll come

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some of these are real text conversations i’ve had with my friends and then just edited slightly
> 
> anyways please consider leaving a comment and/or kudos !!  
> thanks for reading <3

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments will probably make updates happen faster


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